Dana & I

Generosity in Pali called DANA...

my agreement with bro and my self is to buy rice and food to offer to Sangha (monk). At the same time, we signed up pledge form for our organs. I promised my self to donate blood every 3 months. Of course, I introduce this practise to bro but he is afraid of needles.

BUT I wanted to do more .... I hoping to get better and stable job to donate 10% to 20% of my nett salary to charity and temple. At the same time I was hoping to pay of some of bro PTPTN loan so his mind can be at peace to be a novice or ordained as monk. Bro rejected my offer.

But bro not very determined to be a monk. I hope he is not venting.

Why I willing to do that? I really treat bro Sumitta like family. He is like a family that cares abt me (which my own family don't). And deep down in my heart, I know bro Sumitta treat me like just friend, that why he has reserved.

Oh well I hope good intention counts.

Drifted away ... far far away

I felt so disoriented .... I felt so far away from every thing ... Buddhism, work , family, friend, Bro ... every thing .. I just had a sudden feeling of don't know what to do with my life ...

I am not in middle age yet ... it shouldn't be midlife crisis

I am dying to have a good sleep ... and rest ..

I am dying to have a good career advancement ... (which I don't it now, but I am contented and grateful I still have a job)

So how ? Brown cow?

lonely, lonely, lonely !!

What do lonely means ? Not sure for others, for me lonely is a feeling that i need to overcome !

We came to this world (existance) alone, we got old and sick by our self and we pass away alone Nothing and no one can follow you or even experience what you going thru. Of course except your Karma and merits will be following you every existance you are in.

I was sick for 2 weeks, see doctor 3 times, yet my family didn't even notice I am sick. I practically been having difficulty of breathing, vomitting and upsad stamoch. And the problem doesn't stop there, my menstrual cycle is late. My weight keep going up. :(

Buddha taught us not to have attachment , but he didn't teach us not to take care of our health. I guess this time I really screw up ! I need to stop and recollect my self.

When I am sick, I feel even more lonely! Cook porridge by my self. Go to clinic by my self. The "best thing" is I can get up and do my work! Workaholic! What to do?!

I remember few years ago, I drove my self to the hospital for 2 times. I was really sick, I cannot breath, lips and nails turn blue black. I was admitted 5 days, can't even talk (cannot breath mah!).

Where is my family and friends? Not sure where are they. Well I used to be very very angry with the way they treat me. But now with Buddha teaching, I forgive my self and others.

Don't even ask me to get a boy friend or some thing like that, this being called "Boy friend or Husband" is only another hopeless being that can't help me. WAIT! Don't get me wrong. When I said hopeless means he can't help you, he is not you , no one can help you except your self. No one can replace you being sick. Therefore getting a being called "Boy friend or Husband" doesn't resolve my sickness nor resolve my loneliness.

The loneliness is originated within "me", because I "existed" that why I have so much of suffering. Other solution is just temporary. The only way is strike to the non-return path.

ya ya ya ...... it all come back to Buddhism .....